Land of What Might Have Been by enoimreh

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst
Relationships: Draco & Ginny
Book: Draco & Ginny, Books 1 - 7
Published: 15/09/2007
Last Updated: 15/09/2007
Status: Completed

When I’m alone, I wonder if it could have been different. I wonder if I could have been
different. I wonder whether, if given the right circumstances, I could have made different choices
– better choices. I wonder if I could have been happy. Thanks to my awesome beta, lauradcliffe!




1. Land of What Might Have Been
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AN: Inspired by the song “I'm Not That Girl” from Wicked. The title was taken from a line in
the song. Standard disclaimer applies.

When I'm alone, I wonder if it could have been different. I wonder if *I* could have
been different. I wonder whether, if given the right circumstances, I could have made different
choices - *better* choices. I wonder if I could have been happy.

Usually I try to convince myself that I didn't make the choices at all. They were made for
me and I just followed orders. I had no role in the way my life turned out, and I never desired
one. Or at least, I never desired anything beyond following the path that was so clearly defined in
front of me. But I know I'm lying to myself.

The truth is that I could have strayed off the path. I could have decided that I wanted to rule
my own future, instead of being a bystander to my life. In essence, my lack of choices was, in
fact, a choice. A choice to be apathetic; a choice *not* to hold myself accountable.

I often wonder if I truly believed in the cause. At the time, I didn't think about it at
all. I was told what to believe in - Mudbloods bad, Dark Lord good - but I don't ever remember
consciously deciding that my father's beliefs were mine too. It was easier to agree, to be
brainwashed. After all, he was my father and he would never lead me astray. Even when he was carted
off to Azkaban for heinous crimes against humanity - really though, it was just heinous crimes
against Potter - I still didn't doubt. It was everyone else who was wrong, after all. We could
never be wrong. Maybe I should have woken up then. Maybe that's when I should have started
making my own choices.

But I didn't. I simply let someone else take over my life. At first it was my Aunt
Bellatrix. She was strong and single-minded, the perfect person to command me because she would
never allow me to think for myself. Once again, I couldn't be held responsible. They
weren't *my* choices after all; they were her choices for me. She led me to the Dark Lord.
And for the first time in my life, someone allowed me to make my own decisions. Yes, he told me how
he wanted it to end - how it *must* end, really, if I wanted my parents to live - but how I
got to that prescribed destination was up to me. And so I set out on my mission.

That's when I realized that I wasn't any good at making decisions. Everything I tried
failed and I knew that I really couldn't plan my future or take charge of my destiny or
anything important like that. I knew I must always rely on someone else. Luckily for me, there was
a whole host of people to order me around: my father, my aunt, the Dark Lord, even my mother. And
so I settled back into the habit of not making a decision, of choosing the easier, less thorny and
complicated path.

She never let anyone make a choice for her. She always knew what she was doing and where she was
going and she didn't care how thorny and complicated the path was. She stood up to authority
and told them in no uncertain terms that they could shove their rules right up their arses. They
didn't like that at all.

She was - and still is, I suppose - my hero. She didn't have to do everything she did. She
could have stayed in the shadows and allowed Potter to rescue her. She didn't *need* to do
anything. But she chose to. And nobody told her to do it either. It was all her. Even as I sneered
and made derogatory and often crude comments about her and her family, I admired her. I
couldn't decide if I wanted to be her or be like her. Secretly, I hoped some of her
decisiveness would rub off on me. Part of me wanted to take control of my life. Without realizing
it, I memorized her schedule and would go out of my way to pass her in the hall, too observe her
and, too often, to criticize and torment her. She never backed down either, which just made me
admire her even more.

I had almost decided to start making my own choices. Notice, I had *almost* decided. I
never actually made the decision because she didn't come back to school after the Easter
holidays. And so, without a role model, without someone - anyone, really - to look up to, I sank
back into my old habits, all hope of reform gone. After all, it was easier this way.

And now, nineteen years after the Battle of Hogwarts, she's still who I think about when
I'm alone. When I imagine how the different choices I could have made would have ended in my
happiness, I always imagine her there, smiling encouragingly at me. I know that if she were in my
life, she would make me choose for myself. She wouldn't put up with any of my usual indecisive
shit.

But my dreams of a life full of choices and responsibility are shattered when I return to my
reality. I turn my head to look at my nondescript wife and I know that we're not in love, even
though we're married, and I wish that it was *her* standing next to me. I look at my son
and, even though I love him, I know he'd be better with her as his mother. When I look at
myself in the mirror, I know that I love her as Potter never could because I need her. I need her
to make me choose to be better.

And when I look at her wiping tears from her eyes as she waves good-bye to her sons, her
daughter's tiny hand clutched tightly in her own, I know that it *could* have been
different. I know that *I* could have been different. I know that her presence in my life
would have been all I needed to make better choices.

And I know that I could have been happy.

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